I’ve always been fascinated by the way human beings cope with the end of a wild wind romance. Or just an overall shitty relationship.
No matter who you are, you’ve most likely engaged in some pretty questionable antics post breakup. I get it.
You’re grieving the loss of someone you have been planning a future with for X amount of time and you aren’t quite sure what your next move should be.
Do you impulsively cut off all your hair?
Go on a drunken bender?
Have a one night stand?
I’ve heard that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. At least that’s what they tell me...
As far as I’m concerned, there are 4 different ways we choose to grieve when beginning an unfamiliar chapter of our lives.
Distract
Numb
Dismiss
Heal
Everyone deals with heartbreak a little bit differently depending on the severity of the severed connection.
If you are fortunate enough to part ways amicably, congrats! There is nothing worse than grieving the loss of a loved one while simultaneously boiling with hatred and resentment because one of you just wasn’t ready to let go.
Good news!
We’ve all been there. And we will continue to experience passionate romance and soul quenching loss until the day we die.
That’s just the reality of this crazy thing we call life.
So what are some of the coping mechanisms we use post break up that support us in our recovery and aid in our journey towards self discovery?
And how can they hinder us if we aren’t careful?
Distraction
This one is a personal fave of mine. Breakup or not, there is nothing I loathe more than sitting around moping and feeling sad because something didn’t pan out the way I had expected.
Does it suck? Yes.
Is it disappointing? Absolutely.
Should it consume your every waking thought and drain your energy and soul? No. No it shouldn’t.
Just because someone made you happy once upon a time, does not mean that you are incapable of moving on without them!
When your whole world revolved around your partner, losing them can feel debilitating. This is where healthy distractions come into play.
Now I’m not suggesting you disregard your feelings, slide them under the rug, and put a smile on your face day 1. However after a certain period of time, these emotions should start to decrease as you become more comfortable with your circumstances and begin adapting to your new found solo environment.
Moving forward is the only choice we have.
So what do we do? We call up our friends, spend hours on the phone discussing the ins and outs of our relationship struggles, we go for brunch, grab coffee, schedule a gym date or a night on the town.
We do anything and everything to get out of our head and distract ourselves from our inner critic whispering negative nonsense along the lines of,
“Way to blow it again.”
“You’re going to be alone forever.”
“How have you not figured out by now that YOU are the problem?”
Not today sister. We don’t have time to wallow in our own self pity.
Numbing
I’ve been around the block enough times to know that drowning your post breakup pain with drugs and alcohol is only a temporary solution.
As soon as an uncomfortable feeling rears its ugly head, we seek the fastest way possible to suppress it!
Subconsciously the goal is to alter our mental and emotional state of mind to the point of no return.
“What was I even upset about in the first place?” I would slur to myself while stumbling out of the bar at 2am on a Wednesday…
Unfortunately this method is short lived.
Eventually when the booze has worn off, our bender has sucked the life out of us, and we wake up horrified at the person staring back at us in the bathroom mirror, we’ve officially hit an all time low.
By choosing to numb our feelings, we are disrespecting our bodies natural ability to process our emotions.
Without truly allowing ourselves to FEEL and validating our experiences, we are essentially drowning our problems until we gain the confidence to recreate them in our next relationship #unresolvedtraumas
Dismissing
We all have that one friend who is exceptionally talented at remaining unfazed by their breakup entirely.
Life goes on as usual, nothing is brought up or discussed, and for a split second they’ve almost convinced you that they are completely over their ex!
But here’s the thing. Dismissing your pain and ignoring your natural human emotions has a short shelf life.
“It’s fine. I’m fine. We’re FINE”, only works in the interim between initial breakup shock and a full blown mental breakdown.
It isn’t sustainable, it isn’t healthy, and it’s not going to protect you from the loss you’re grieving no matter how many selfies you post or cocktails you slam at happy hour.
Lying to ourselves is a sure fire way to prolong the grieving process.
The longer we hold on to the illusion that everything is fine, the longer we carry around our post-breakup burden.
Vulnerability is where it’s at my friend.
We are not perfect, we all experience heartbreak, and we all have a choice to work through our pain and grow from the ungodly experience that is a millennial breakup!
Healing
Allowing what’s hurt us to help us heal, takes an insane amount of courage and perseverance!
Naturally when we experience loss, change, or heartbreak we are so busy trying to make sense of it all that we tend to miss the silver lining. And there is always a silver lining.
Healing forces us to face our problems head on and work through the uncomfortable emotions that are holding us hostage.
Healing promotes growth and abundance. When we choose healing, we are choosing ourselves.
Choosing to let go and allowing love to seep into the cracks of our delicate and messy hearts is beautiful and undeniably brave.
It breaks my heart knowing so many of us are walking around burdened by our past traumas feeling inadequate and damaged. We work SO hard to hide our scars when in reality, our wounds are tiny pieces of the battles we’ve been strong enough to overcome time and time again.
How you choose to heal is up to you.
Whether you run yourself a bath and become engrossed in your favourite book, dedicate your time to a strictly regimented gym routine, take up running, adopt a dog, book a vacation (eat, pray, love style), or simply take time for yourself to grieve the loss you feel deep down in the core of your being, you choose healing.
You make yourself and your life a priority because you know that these feelings are temporary and believe in the power of choice.
We can not possibly love another person fully until we master the art of self-love and acceptance.
Below are 3 ways I practice self love on a daily basis to ensure I’m taking care of my #1.
Look Good, Feel Good
Have you ever spent an extra 5 minutes in the morning curling your hair or curating the perfect outfit? Trick question! Who hasn’t?
Did you stop to notice how it made you feel throughout the course of your day?
Ever since I was a hormonal adolescent, pre self-esteem days, I’ve attempted to master the art of seemingly effortless confidence.
Until one day it hit me.
It is impossible to feel confident 24/7. But there are small steps we can take every day to increase our emotional well being, and sometimes this starts on the outside.
On days when you’e feeling tired or lifeless, hop in the shower, throw on a face, and put on one of your favourite outfits.
Why? Because when we look good, we feel good!
And when we feel good, we are better able to control our emotions and shift our internal energy.
Call me vein, superficial, or whatever floats your boat. As long as YOU feel your best, that’s all that matters.
Listen to Your Body
Learning how to listen to our body might just be one of the most difficult lessons we will ever learn during this lifetime.
We’ve been conditioned ever since we were small children to “push through” and “work harder”. Dismissing signs from our body and forcing ourselves to perform at the expense of our own health.
Our body is constantly sending us signals. All we have to do is stop and listen.
Tuning in to our physical and emotional needs can often feel like we are trying to solve a mental rubik's cube.
And it’s not always easy knowing which combination of self-care rituals we need to implement based on our mood, health, and energy levels.
Practicing self awareness is one of the best ways to show our bodies the love and respect it so evidently deserves. If you need a break, REST, if you’re feeling sluggish, MOVE, and if you’re feeling stressed, RELAX!
Your body will thank you in the long run and you will eventually learn to pick up on it’s not so subtle cues.
Trust Your Intuition
Your intuition, otherwise known as your gut feeling, is never wrong. Ever.
Whether or not you choose to embrace it or ignore it, you can generally sense when you’re entering the danger zone or something just doesn’t feel right.
Trust that there is a reason you feel apprehensive about something or someone.
Or alternatively, trust that an unexpected opportunity that gets you excited may be exactly what you need because you can feel it in the very depths of your soul!
Whatever you do, learn to trust that s*!t!
Allow your intuition to guide you through your experiences and protect you from harmful situations and toxic people with bad intentions.
TRUST that your inner workings exist to keep you safe. Trust your gut.
Learning to love ourselves takes time. It takes one failed relationship after another until you’re so worn down you have nowhere to go but up.
This is the beauty of building such incredible, intimate connections with others. They inadvertently teach us our worth and force us outside of our comfort zone, outside of the darkness and sorrow that is heartbreak.
Our worth is not based on someone else’s ability to love us. Our worth is based on the love we show ourselves every single day.
Keisha V.
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