How to Heal the Mother Wound: Becoming the Mother you Never Had

The term “mother wound” has become increasingly more common over the last decade. Bethany Webster coined the term back in 2014 and it has grown even more popular in recent years. 

So what exactly is the mother wound?

Profound emotional pain as a result of the toxic and disconnected relationship with one’s mother. The mother wound can be caused by a lack of connection, nurturance, and acceptance. 

Many people who experience the deep sense of loss as a result of not having a securely attached relationship with their mother feel rejected, struggle with perfectionism, learn to believe that love is conditional, and wind up caretaking their mothers needs above their own. 

That is, if they decide to continue maintaining a relationship at all. 

Adult children who have had to navigate the mother wound understand that it goes against our very nature to cut ties with the woman that brought you into this world. It is almost as if there is an invisible tether linking you two together that feels impossible to ever truly sever. 

The mother wound cuts deep. And going no contact is the last resort for people that have exhausted their resources trying to heal their relationship with their mother. 

As children, we look to our mothers to provide guidance and nurturance. But what if you didn’t receive these things? What if your mother is emotionally immature, narcissistic, abusive, neglectful, unhealed? How do you learn to navigate the world while simultaneously getting your needs met?

Parenting Yourself 

Learning to show up for yourself and meet your own needs is not something any of us ever dreamed of having to do. There is a lot of grief and loss to navigate on the journey towards radical acceptance of what is. Especially if you’ve had to resort to no contact in order to protect yourself. 

Radical means all the way, complete and total. 

It is accepting things in your mind, heart, and body. 

This is when you stop fighting reality because it is not the way you want it, and let go of bitterness. 

What does parenting yourself look like? 

Living life in the fast lane because you are solely responsible for yourself. 

There is no safety net, failure is not an option, and there is no one to call to pick up the pieces. You become your own parent which can be both heartbreaking and liberating. 

You learn to identify your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs while validating your lived experiences. 

Many children grew up believing that their needs don’t matter, their voice won’t be heard, and their instincts are wrong. This is typically the result of growing up with emotionally immature parents (mother or father). 

As adults, we have an opportunity to re-write the narrative. To reclaim our story and our needs despite anyone else's inability to meet them. 

Becoming the mother you never had looks like: 

• learning to love yourself (strengths and weaknesses)

• self-responsibility 

• financial independence 

• sitting with your emotions when they arise and finding ways to express rather than repress them 

• emotional regulation (learning to respond vs react)

• interpersonal relationships built on mutual respect, effort, and alignment 

• learning that trust is earned not given 

• dismantling unhelpful beliefs ie. “I am inadequate” vs “I am enough” 

• prioritizing time for fun/play/joy 

Wherever you are on your healing journey is OK. 

Having to navigate these choppy waters takes time. Some days the water is calm, and others, it’s turbulent and full of emotional ups and downs. Which is why we wear a life jacket and pack an extra oar (just in case). 

It was roughly a year ago when I was reminded that the relationship I had with my own mother was extremely toxic and harmful. And I realized then that if I kept exposing myself to more pain, I was going to be healing from this hurt until I die. 

And that was a hard no. 

Wounds take time to heal, leaving behind a permanent reminder in the form of a scar. But our scars don’t define who we are, they are merely the remnants of pain we’ve endured along the way. 

In healing the mother wound, we set ourselves free, redefine our worth, and reclaim our lives. 

I am not my mother wound. I am what I choose to become. 

Keisha Virago - RPC