Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where something just doesn’t feel right?
You spend more time fighting or trying to avoid the next argument than you do enjoying each others company and it’s flat out exhausting.
Of course most relationships don’t typically start off this way.
The honeymoon phase usually lasts just long enough that these recurring conflicts show up disguised as minor setbacks instead of red flags.
And who doesn’t love ignoring big, shiny, red flags?
Relationships require consistent work.
They involve compromise, honesty, trust, and respect.
So how does one recognize when their relationship has become toxic? Better yet, how do you know when to pull the plug and walk away?
4 Signs of a Healthy Relationship
I believe there are 4 indicators of a healthy, stable relationship. One that adds value to your life rather than depleting you of your energy.
These are the fundamental building blocks of a relationship despite its dynamic.
You Communicate Openly
Open dialog creates the foundation in which a healthy relationship is born. Setting the stage early on will help to avoid miscommunication and ensure that both partners feel safe and heard.
We learn to have compassion for each others triggers even if we don’t fully understand what has set them off.
If someone needs time to process their emotions in order to come to some sort of resolve, you allow them the necessary time and space to do so.
So often we want to fix the problem as we are experiencing it and our emotions are elevated. I have yet to see this method result in anything other than further escalation.
On the flip side, we must learn to welcome confrontation with open arms and view it as a learning experience rather than an opportunity to become defensive and volatile.
We love a good excuse to engage in toxic coping skills derived from childhood trauma. Do yourself a favour and cut that s*!t out!
You Set Boundaries
What is a healthy boundary and why are they so important?
Boundaries are clear and concise limits we set with others to ensure we do not jeopardize our overall mental and physical well being.
In order to implement boundaries we must first get up close and personal with ourselves, our non negotiables, our values, and most importantly our awareness of self!
Below are just a few examples of healthy boundaries.
You make ME time a priority
You spend time with your friends without your significant other
You do not partake in toxic forms of communication (text battles/yelling/name calling)
You communicate your feelings and do not project them onto your partner
You prioritize your health (gym/yoga/clean eating/therapy)
You do not allow others to disrespect you
You validate your emotions as well as others
You take a break to reflect when you are feeling overwhelmed
You Work Together as a Team
Life in general can be stressful and overwhelming at times. It’s unavoidable.
That is why it’s SO important that you and your partner work collectively towards a common goal. You support one another as often as you can because if one of your players is injured, your team is at risk.
She’s had a bad day at work and needs someone to vent to, you lend an ear.
You got into an argument with your best friend and aren’t sure how to handle it, she’s got your back.
This is what being in a healthy relationship looks like. Two equals coming together to build each other up and support one another when it feels like their world is crashing down around them.
You are a team! And we all know there is no “I” in team.
You Do Not Pass Judgement
I’m just going to come right out and say it.Loving partners don’t judge each other. Period.
Not their passions, feelings, traumas, or coping skills.
Don’t get me wrong, we are all guilty of engaging in self destructive behaviour every now and again, but if there is anyone on the face of the planet that should have your back when the going gets tough, it’s your partner!
Who knows you better than your other half?
Who else knows to give you some space when you’re overworked and on the verge of a burn out?
Who knows the week each month that you desperately need chocolate and cuddles?
Who knows when your heads in the clouds and you need someone to gently pull you back down to planet earth?
She does. And if she doesn’t, you may want to reevaluate the relationship.
Now that I’ve touched base on the non negotiable's, or relationship MUSTS if you will, let’s have a look at those shiny red flags we all love to pretend don’t exist.
Your Dreams = Their Dreams
In any relationship, there will be a certain level of common interests and similar lifestyles which have ultimately drawn the two of you together.
Yes, opposites do attract. But when it comes down to a lifelong partner you want to make sure that you’re both moving and growing in the same direction.
Sometimes in relationships we become so enmeshed in one another’s lives that we can’t differentiate whether we are working towards our goals or our partners.
A strong and stable couple will have WE goals in addition to ME goals.
After all, you are two unique individuals with vastly different dreams and desires.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when I notice my partner giving up their own goals and ambitions to appease me. Major turn off! And major red flag.
Confidence in who you are as an individual and knowing what you want for yourself, whether someone else likes it or not, is sexy.
Try not to lose sight of who you are and what you’re passionate about in order to please your partner. If they truly love you, they will support your journey.
Spending an Incessant Amount of Time Together
So you love this person so much you can’t think of any other way to spend all of your free time! I get it.
And yet this form of codependency is short lived amongst most couples. And here’s why.
You absolutely must prioritize yourself while striving to achieve balance in all areas of your life, not just with your partner.
Connecting with friends, family, and coworkers adds value to your life in a way that your intimate relationship can not. Social interactions with someone other than your lover provides an alternative perspective, they allow you to learn and grow as a human being and create a strong, healthy support system.
Time away from each other doesn’t mean that you don’t care or don’t want the other person around. In fact it’s quite the opposite.
By setting boundaries and creating space for activities outside of your relationship bubble, you show your partner that you respect their needs as well as their time.
Additionally, this allows you to miss the other person and reconnect on a more intimate level when you do reconvene.
You’ve Stopped Pursuing Your Hobbies
If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that our hobbies, passions, and side hustle require time and energy.
Your person will not feel threatened by your interests and will encourage you to spend time doing the very things that lights you up!
Sometimes all we need is a breather. A moment of solitude to indulge in the very essence of our being and allow our minds to escape the stress of everyday life.
Does your partner encourage you to pursue your goals?
Do they motivate you to spend time doing what you love?
Or are they always complaining that you don’t spend enough time together and require practically ALL of your attention?
There is nothing wrong with inviting your partner to hit the gym with you or go to a yoga class together. But if they continuously make you feel bad for doing the things you love, they may not be your person.
Over Promise and Under Deliver
The first time I was introduced to this concept was when I was working for lululemon.
From a business standpoint, I had personally experienced and understood it fully. But I never imagined it would surface in my intimate relationships.
Isn’t your partner supposed to pull through when they make a commitment to you? Yes, yes they are.
Here’s the thing, if you don’t intend on doing the things you say you’re going to do, why fill the other person with false hope and expectations that you don’t whole-heartedly plan on keeping?
Why talk the talk if you’re not willing to walk the walk ya know what I’m saying?
Sometimes we genuinely want to do something so much that our excitement fuels our ambition. Motivation may fizzle out when it comes time to implement and we can’t follow through with every plan we make, whether to ourselves or others.
If you’ve become all too familiar with empty promises, cancelled plans and a lack of follow through, chances are you’re going to be left feeling disappointed and frustrated.
And it down right sucks.
You may even find yourself dismissing your partner when they do share a goal with you as their track record leads you to believe that they really don’t mean what they are saying anyways. And if they can’t keep a commitment to themselves, how can you expect them to do the same for you?
Knowing when to pull the plug in an unhealthy and toxic relationship isn’t always obvious. And it’s typically a very unpleasant experience for those involved.
It’s not supposed to be amicable or make you feel good, that’s why it’s called a break up. Something that is broken can not be fixed by optimistic thinking and avoiding the very obvious red flags for what they really are.
Allow yourself to be ok with not being ok.
Welcome heartbreak with open arms and allow yourself to FEEL.
Put down that bottle of Bombay and stop engaging in ego fuelled smack talk about your ex because they were obviously crazy and didn’t realize how good they had it with you.
Communicate, set boundaries, work together, and acknowledge when you’re showing up from a place of judgement.
Nobody is perfect.
When we truly take the time to get to know ourselves, we operate on a different frequency and start attracting positive, like minded people into our lives.
Maybe you haven’t met your person yet because you’ve been too busy ignoring shiny, red flags.
Keisha V.
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