There is no denying that family dynamics can be extremely toxic and challenging. If you’re someone who's been blessed with a loving, supportive family, congratulations! You’re an anomaly.
In my own lived experience and the work I do with clients, there is no shortage of family dysfunction. In fact, I’ve noticed a steady increase in individuals across the country deciding to go no-contact with members of their family of origin.
Why is that?
I wish there was a straightforward answer. It’s actually quite complex and derived from decades of dysfunctional behaviour patterns that have been kept alive by members of the family system.
This doesn’t mean that repair and healing is out of reach. But it does mean that in order to achieve healthy, respectful connections that foster love and acceptance, all members need to be on board in order to create change.
Unfortunately, this is not always the case.
While going no-contact with family members has previously been viewed as a red flag, we are shifting out of that traditional, narrow lens and gaining a deeper understanding of WHY so many people have decided to cut off contact with their loved ones.
Spoiler alert - it’s NOT because they don’t love their family. It IS because they love themselves.
With therapy becoming more and more mainstream, and people embarking on their own journey towards healing, we’ve come to better understand the importance of autonomy, setting/upholding boundaries, and removing ourselves from toxic relationships/environments that cause us harm.
In this article I will be discussing what a dysfunctional family system looks like, as well as the behaviours that keep the intergenerational trauma cycles alive. I will also touch on the importance of identifying your needs, advocating for oneself, and protecting your peace from unhealed family members that remain uninterested in addressing family dysfunction.
What Does a Dysfunctional Family System Look like?
We are hardwired as human beings to seek love, belonging, and connection. Especially within our family system.
This is why it can be difficult to acknowledge when our caretakers are failing to show up for us in a supportive and nurturing way.
Red flags that indicate family dysfunction are:
Gossip
Dishonesty
Emotional dumping
Emotional dysregulation - inability to respond to/manage emotional states
Abuse (physical, emotional, verbal, psychological, sexual) of any kind is not ok
Addiction/substance use
Disengaged/not listening
Dismissing your needs
Keeping secrets to preserve a false family image
Focused on image vs relationship/emotional connection
Gaslighting/Manipulation
Stonewalling - refusing to communicate/cooperate
Lack of compassion/empathy
Unhealed intergenerational trauma - maladaptive coping strategies passed down from ancestors/relatives that have experienced traumatic events
this is not an excuse to continue harmful patterns of behaviour
Parentification - When a child is required by one or both parents to take on an inappropriate parental/adult role. The demand for early maturity and responsibility places tremendous psychological, emotional, and physical burdens on a child that they are incapable of bearing, and has an impact on normal child development.
Examples of parentification…
Children left to care for themselves at an inappropriately young age
Speaking to a child as though they are an adult
Discussing age-inappropriate material with children (parents emotional or financial challenges)
Detailed discussions with children about the faults of the other parent
Engaging a child to share the parental bed sometimes with age-inappropriate physical intimacy
Any or all of these red flags do not create a safe environment that supports emotional/nervous system regulation, acceptance/belonging, or the tools and resources needed to form securely attached relationships.
Narcissistic Family Dynamic
Let’s start off by defining what a narcissist actually is.
The dictionary defines a narcissist as:
- a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.
Which is not the same thing as someone who chooses to focus on themselves as an act of self-preservation.
In a narcissistic family dynamic, we have key players, with each family member taking on a specific role in order to keep the behavioural patterns alive.
Narcissist (parent):
Considers themselves a “hero”/”victim”
Attention always needs to be on them
Expects praise for normal parental duties
Enabler (parent):
Considered the “good” parent
Codependent, remains loyal to the narcissist
Downplays and makes excuses for their spouses behaviour
Scapegoat (child):
Acts out/verbalizes problems the family tries to cover up
Narcissist projects all of their shame/rage onto this child
Different from the family culture
Golden (child):
Narcissist projects their “best” qualities onto this child
Treated special and receives whatever they want
Narcissist lives vicariously through them
Lost (child):
Does not receive praise or blame from parents
Basic needs are ignored to varying degrees
Withdrawals and self-isolates
Within this dynamic, the narcissist might also recruit what are called flying monkeys. These are other people used by the narcissist to manipulate and abuse you in an attempt to maintain control. This strategy is known as “abuse by proxy” and can show up in immediate and extended family members such as siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles etc.
Flying monkeys are any individuals recruited by narcissists to actively participate in manipulation and abuse.
Prolonged exposure to manipulation and abuse can cause a lack of confidence, self-trust, hypervigilance, emotional monitoring, emotional dysregulation, codependence, addiction, and toxic interpersonal relationships in adulthood.
If you are looking to achieve peace in your life, it is important to re-evaluate your role in the family system and take the necessary steps to protect yourself from further exposure to pain and abuse.
Ways we Try to Keep the Peace
Detangling ourselves from the family web is HARD WORK and goes against our primal instincts as pack animals.
And sometimes it is necessary in order to put an end to the trauma cycles and repeat offences of our family members/caretakers.
If you were never taught to set and uphold a boundary, any form of advocacy or direct confrontation can feel absolutely terrifying!
So perhaps you default to a more roundabout way of addressing the issue. This can look like avoiding certain situations or conversations, people pleasing, keeping family secrets, and enabling harmful behaviour.
The problem with this is that it doesn’t actually solve anything.
It’s like putting a bandaid on a bullet wound and expecting the person to make a full recovery.
They will eventually bleed out.
You need to remove the bullet and stitch up the wound.
Toxic family members living in denial and lacking in self-awareness don’t just wake up and stop hurting people around them. And unless they are doing their own work to break the patterns of behaviour that have created the dysfunctional family system, they will continue to hurt you.
Coming to terms with this can cause a lot of disappointment, anger, sadness, and grief. And I encourage you to allow yourself the time and space to process these big emotions in whatever way feels right for you.
Your needs matter.
So how can we start to show up for ourselves and meet our own needs?
How can we begin to prioritize our wellbeing and preserve our peace?
Identifying Your Needs
In order to be able to meet our own needs, we need to know what they are.
There are universal human needs such as love, belonging, safety, and connection.
And then there are needs that are deeply personal to you.
Maybe you value growth in your life, independence in your career/relationships, self-awareness, or appreciation for who you are and the value you bring to others.
If you’re looking to further explore and reflect on your needs, I’ve linked a document below to support you along the way.
Once you’ve identified what your needs are, start to brainstorm how you can take self-responsibility and show up to meet your own needs.
If you have a need for independence, you might ask yourself:
How can I embody independence?
What does independence look like to me?
What do I need to do in order to achieve independence in different areas of my life?
Who in my life encroaches on my independence?
If you notice discomfort start to arise as you’re moving through this process, that’s ok.
The beautiful thing about learning how to meet your own needs is that you get to decide on a pace that works for you. It’s possible you’ve spent a lifetime disregarding your own needs. Learning to prioritize them might feel awkward and take some time.
If you’re looking for some extra support from a mental health professional, I’ve included my scheduling link below.
Going no-contact with family can be a painful decision to make.
It requires us to be brutally honest and ask ourselves some really tough questions. Like “who can no longer have access to me in order for me to preserve my peace?”
Only you know the answer to that question.
I am relieved that the narrative around going no contact with family members continues to shift as we gain deeper insight into the harm that these relationships can inflict on individuals within the family unit.
More and more people are beginning to realize that responses/advice such as, “but they are your family” just doesn’t cut it anymore. Related or not, dysfunctional family systems are not conducive with living a happy, healthy, and fulfilling life.
As a society we are waking up and starting to ask questions.
It is no longer, “what is wrong with the child? How could they stop talking to their own parent(s)?” And instead, “what did the parent(s) do for their child to cut off contact?”
We are worthy of so much love, acceptance, and joy in this lifetime. And unfortunately, that doesn’t always come from our blood relatives.
If you have had to make the gruelling decision to remove yourself from a family system that continues to cause you harm and heartache, you understand that there is a deep sense of grief on this journey.
Grief for the family you wish you had.
Grief for the childhood that you deserved.
Grief for the family that failed you.
We don’t talk about the non-death loss associated with going no contact. Knowing that your relatives are very much alive but their place in your life has died.
We don’t talk about how challenging it is to learn how to become your own mother or father. That you shouldn’t have to, and yet so many of us do.
I don’t believe in justifying others' behaviour because “they just don’t know any better”. Once is a mistake, twice is a choice.
And there is no room for people in your life that choose to hurt you.
You are not responsible for the unhealed parts of your family.
You never were.
Keisha Virago RPC-C
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